got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
