Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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