My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
