My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
