girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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