You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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