first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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