I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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