hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
