The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
