I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
