Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
