He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
