I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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