I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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