My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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