Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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