I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
