my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
