Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
