Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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