Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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