I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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