Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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