We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm too high and old for this...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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