so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
