fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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