I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There's always time for handjobs
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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