Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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