I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
