i think my tv is drunk
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
