Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
