girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
