i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
