So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
