hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
