I just threw up on my dentist
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
