I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
