You can't special order awesome
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
