My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
