Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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