dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
