who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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