How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
