I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
