When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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