tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
