Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My hand turned me down
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
