I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
