your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
