Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
